{"id":1203,"date":"2011-08-04T03:02:43","date_gmt":"2011-08-04T01:02:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.somethingwicked.co.za\/?p=1203"},"modified":"2011-08-04T08:33:13","modified_gmt":"2011-08-04T06:33:13","slug":"rock-me-asmodeus","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/2011\/08\/04\/rock-me-asmodeus\/","title":{"rendered":"Rock Me, Asmodeus"},"content":{"rendered":"

Mark Sykes’s Sixth Sense Of Humour
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\nFrom Issue 12 (August 2011)<\/a><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

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Jim:<\/strong> Hi folks, this is Jim Dandy and Chris Mascake welcoming you to the End-of-the-World Supreme Devil Face-Off, here at the Arena of Doom, just a few minutes drive out of Bloemfontein. It\u2019s the End Times, and the day has come to decide which actor best portrayed the Devil in cinema and TV in the last hundred years. These are the final few, who have all come through the initials heats to battle it out in their respective teams today. We\u2019ve a great assortment of Lucifers and Satans, and a handful of portrayals that are somewhat open to interpretation. <\/strong><\/p>\n

Chris:<\/strong> Let\u2019s face it, Jim, most actors would jump at the chance to play a prince of hell, and so if a part comes along that gives them that opportunity, they\u2019d be mad not to take it, even if the part is simply the chance to wear some horns and brandish a trident.<\/p>\n

Jim:<\/strong> Speaking of princes of hell, Chris, there\u2019s a distinct absence of Beelzebubs here today \u2013 I guess we can put that down to Hollywood depicting mostly Satan and Lucifer, and wrongly lumping them both together as simply \u201cThe Devil\u201d.<\/p>\n

Chris:<\/strong> But so we don\u2019t get too bogged down in the finer details of demonology, Jim, let\u2019s remind ourselves that, in the spirit of all the films and TV shows represented today that like a bit of devilish fun, we\u2019re here to simply enjoy some good-natured competition – and hopefully to see at least see one contender get their brains sucked out through their eye sockets before the day is out.<\/p>\n

Jim:<\/strong> I can see our teams getting ready to rumble, Chris, so I think it\u2019s time for a quick recap of the rules. We have four teams of devils today: three teams of three, and one team of four. The ref will decide the first two contenders of the day; after that battle, it\u2019s open house to anyone who wishes to make a challenge. After that<\/em>, it\u2019s anyone\u2019s guess. But to win the day, the last team standing must have at least two of its members still in the game \u2013 in other words, if at any stage during the Face-Off a team only has one member left, they\u2019re out.<\/p>\n

Chris:<\/strong> And by \u2018out\u2019 we mean vaporized by lightning! I can see the ref coming out now, Jim. Yes \u2013 Morgan Freeman himself, winner of last month\u2019s \u2018Supreme God Face-Off\u2019, has come out to start the battle.<\/p>\n

Jim:<\/strong> I can\u2019t imagine anyone forgetting the day he won, Chris. Has there ever been a more satisfying moment in all of history than watching him rip out Alanis Morissette\u2019s larynx?<\/p>\n

Chris:<\/strong> Nope.<\/p>\n

Jim:<\/strong> But look – the Face-Off is actually under way now, as the ref has raised his hand, and is calling\u2026 ooh, this should be good! Peter Stormare\u2019s Satan, from Constantine, versus \u2013 oh, Peter\u2019s in trouble, Chris \u2013 Jack Nicholson\u2019s Daryl van Horne from The Witches of Eastwick! What\u2019s your quick prediction, Chris?<\/p>\n

Chris:<\/strong> Well Jim, Stormare\u2019s team, the Solid Actors Who Can Do Evil Pretty Well, have some serious muscle in their corner, including Gabriel Byrne, who pretty much had<\/em> to play Satan in End of Days by virtue of his name alone. They had most of the others shaking in their boots, but not the Big Boys. I think it\u2019s going to be quick and nasty. Nicholson\u2019s coming out right now, full of confidence in his pink dressing gown, and inviting Stormare to take the first hit! It\u2019s as if the son-of-a-bitch already knows what\u2019s going to happen!<\/p>\n

Jim:<\/strong> And instead of biting, Chris, Stormare is just trying to give Jack his patent hundred yard stare\u2026 it was certainly effective in most of his films, but right now it\u2019s just getting Jack mad.<\/p>\n

Chris:<\/strong> Not good! Not good!<\/p>\n

Jim:<\/strong> Jack\u2019s taking a run-up\u2026 and somehow he was concealing a fireman\u2019s axe underneath that dressing gown, Chris! And he\u2019s buried it in Stormare\u2019s thick skull! Not only has he borrowed from one of his other films, but he\u2019s also turned the tables on Stormare, who bestowed a similar fate on poor Steve Buscemi in Fargo<\/strong>! Is that fair?<\/p>\n

Chris:<\/strong> The ref seems to be taking a moment to decide, Jim\u2026 and he\u2019s allowed it! The sheer irony of Stormare\u2019s fate has swayed Morgan Freeman, and has sent Nicholson back to his team\u2019s corner of the arena to await the next challenger.<\/p>\n

Jim:<\/strong> Ooh, looky here, Chris \u2013 everyone\u2019s appetite for victory has been whetted, and now the \u2018I Didn\u2019t Know They\u2019d Played the Devil\u2019 team is sending out Jeff Goldblum! And he\u2019s squaring off with Tim Curry\u2019s Darkness, from the \u2018Classic Interpretation\u2019 team, and Christ, don\u2019t those horns look impressive! Curry is swinging them back and forth in an attempt to impale Goldblum\u2019s Mr Frost on them \u2013 but instead he\u2019s fallen over! Oh, what a disappointment! We always wondered if it would happen when we were watching Legend, and finally, it has. Ridley Scott\u2019s film has now lost the only reason for watching it. But for some reason, Goldblum isn\u2019t finishing him off \u2013 he\u2019s sauntering amiably back to his corner and is tagging Gary Oldman to do the job! Out he comes, giggling and capering away, complete with lipstick and tights \u2013 and it\u2019s a shotgun to the head for Curry! Messy!<\/p>\n

Chris:<\/strong> Poetic justice, if you ask me, Jim \u2013 Tony Scott\u2019s short film, Beat the Devil, killing off his brother\u2019s most forgettable film \u2013 although we will miss that fabulous performance Tim gave us.<\/p>\n

Jim:<\/strong> Sorry, Chris, I\u2019m gonna have to interrupt you there \u2013 De Niro, from the Big Boys team, has jumped in and has dealt Oldman a deadly blow from behind with his pretentious cane! I\u2019m assuming that was for stealing his \u2018eating a boiled egg as a symbol for the soul\u2019 routine from Angel Heart.<\/p>\n

Chris:<\/strong> Of course, Oldman was probably just making homage to De Niro\u2019s Lucifer, but I guess it\u2019s too late now! And what\u2019s this? Viggo Mortensen, leader of the Solid Actors team is coming in, and calling out not one, but two members of the Classic Interpretation team \u2013 Ned Flanders and Trey Parker, from The Simpsons and South Park respectively. I guess he thinks that cartoon characters don\u2019t hold much weight when it comes to the Prince of Darkness.<\/p>\n

Jim:<\/strong> Look Chris – right now Flanders, who made an appearance as the Devil in season five of The Simpsons, is circling round the back of Viggo Mortensen\u2019s Lucifer from The Prophecy, trying to catch him unawares with that pitchfork, no doubt\u2026 and he may even succeed, as Mortensen is being distracted by Trey Parkers\u2019s gay Satan! Is Parker trying to get his phone number?<\/p>\n

Chris:<\/strong> I guess that\u2019s what happens when you come up against a hottie like Viggo, Jim.<\/p>\n

Jim:<\/strong> And the ref is stepping in \u2013 oh, and it\u2019s a double disqualification for the attempted seduction of a fellow competitor! Flanders has disappeared in a puff of smoke, and Parker\u2019s Satan is being told to leave the arena! With Tim Curry\u2019s Darkness already out of the picture, that only leaves Dave Grohl\u2019s Shiny Demon on the team \u2013 and so according to the rules, he\u2019s out! The ref has raised his hand\u2026 and pow! There goes poor Dave! I\u2019m sure we\u2019ll see him again, though.<\/p>\n

Chris:<\/strong> I don\u2019t doubt it, Jim \u2013 he\u2019ll probably just form another band. I always wondered whether he really was the Devil in the Tenacious D Tribute video at all, though. Horns, red skin and a forked tongue don\u2019t necessarily a Devil make.<\/p>\n

Jim:<\/strong> Um\u2026 they sort of do, Chris. And you\u2019re forgetting \u2013 it\u2019s Dave Grohl. Do not question the Grohl.<\/p>\n

Chris:<\/strong> Point taken, Jim.<\/p>\n

Jim:<\/strong> Oh my God, Chris \u2013 look what\u2019s happening \u2013 the remaining members of the Solid Actors team are making an all-out assault on the Big Boys, and De Niro, Pacino and Nicholson have been caught unawares! Jesus, that\u2019s nasty.<\/p>\n

Chris:<\/strong> Can someone actually do that with a thigh bone, Jim? How does it fit in there?<\/p>\n

Jim:<\/strong> Hard to say, Chris. But I see that the ref is wisely staying out of the melee until the dust settles. Whoa, there goes Nicholson, as Gabriel Byrne uses a concealed voodoo doll to tear him to bits. But Byrne has left himself open to attack, and De Niro has used his dying breath to – rather fittingly for today\u2019s event – claw his face off with Louis Cyphre\u2019s sexy long nails.<\/p>\n

Chris:<\/strong> It\u2019s all coming to an end, Jim. There are two men left standing – Pacino\u2019s John Milton, and Viggo Mortensen! Pacino has started to recite his \u2018Rip God a New Asshole\u2019 speech from The Devil\u2019s Advocate, and he\u2019s so<\/em> loud that \u2013 yes \u2013 Mortensen\u2019s head has exploded from the sheer volume of Pacino\u2019s voice! What a great way to go!<\/p>\n

Jim:<\/strong> But Pacino has to go too, Chris \u2013 both Nicholson and De Niro are history. Wham!<\/em> Out he goes in a crack of divine lightning and a puff of brimstone!<\/p>\n

Chris:<\/strong> Leaving only two members of the \u2018I Didn\u2019t Know They Played the Devil\u2019 team to duke it out \u2013 Jeff Goldblum\u2019s Mr Frost, and the only woman to make the finals, the Italian actress, Rosalinda Celentano.<\/p>\n

Jim:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t know she played the Devil, Chris!<\/p>\n

Chris:<\/strong> You\u2019re a funny man, Jim. During the whole Face-Off today, she\u2019s been skulking around in the background without anyone realising, much like she did in The Passion of the Christ, and now, instead of attacking Goldblum, she\u2019s simply whispering in his ear\u2026 what could she be saying?<\/p>\n

Jim:<\/strong> Whatever it is, it\u2019s caused Goldblum to nod reflectively\u2026 and he\u2019s walking over to the ref\u2026 and he\u2019s given up! Somehow, Celentano\u2019s understated but entirely convincing Satan has used the power of suggestion to win the day! Does that mean that she\u2019s responsible for the best portrayal of the Devil, Chris?<\/p>\n

Chris:<\/strong> I know that many people would like to think so, Jim. I also know that she won fair and square today, and now Morgan Freeman is raising her hand and proclaiming her the overall winner. Folks, thanks for joining us today \u2013 we\u2019ve had a great time bringing you this Armageddon-level event, and now we can all look forward to the next phase of the earth\u2019s existence.<\/p>\n

Jim:<\/strong> Absolutely, Chris. But wait, what\u2019s happening now? The Devil is whispering into Morgan Freeman\u2019s ear!<\/p>\n

Chris:<\/strong> This should be interesting\u2026 it\u2019s not over yet, folks\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Image of Jack Nicholson from Witches of Eastwick \u00a9\u00a0 Warner Bros
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[hana-code-insert name=’ArticleBlockOpen’ \/]<\/p>\n

Mark Sykes<\/h2>\n

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What can be said about Mark Sykes<\/strong>?<\/p>\n

Film actor, world traveller, model, novel writer, piano and violin player, ballroom dancer, deep-sea diver \u2013 he is none of these things.<\/p>\n

Actual achievements include the odd play or musical, avoiding death by starvation through singing to people around London, and completing all three Halo<\/strong> games on \u2018legendary\u2019 level.<\/p>\n

Literary influences include Philip Pullman, Carl Hiaasen and Iain M. Banks.\u00a0 Favourite activities include vacuuming, buying stationery, applying sun lotion to total strangers, catoptromancy, going to Paris to see his brother, getting lost in Derbyshire, and trying hard to tell the truth at all.<\/p>\n

After being Something Wicked\u2019s<\/em> \u201cMan In London\u201d he now lives in Cape Town and is enjoying the sun.<\/p>\n

[hana-code-insert name=’ArticleBlockClose’ \/]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

by Mark Sykes
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Jim:<\/strong> Hi folks, this is Jim Dandy and Chris Mascake welcoming you to the End-of-the-World Supreme Devil Face-Off, here at the Arena of Doom, just a few minutes drive out of Bloemfontein. It\u2019s the End Times, and the day has come to decide which actor best portrayed the Devil in cinema and TV in the last hundred years. These are the final few, who have all come through the initials heats to battle it out in their respective teams today. We\u2019ve a great assortment of Lucifers and Satans, and a handful of portrayals that are somewhat open to interpretation. <\/p>\n<\/td>\n

\"Cover<\/a> From Issue 12 (August 2011)<\/span><\/a><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
<\/td>\n\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[105,102,227],"class_list":["post-1203","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-non-fiction","tag-issue-12","tag-mark-sykes","tag-non-fiction"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1203","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1203"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1203\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1209,"href":"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1203\/revisions\/1209"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1203"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1203"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1203"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}