{"id":1812,"date":"2012-01-31T00:05:37","date_gmt":"2012-01-30T22:05:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.somethingwicked.co.za\/?p=1812"},"modified":"2013-01-31T13:14:34","modified_gmt":"2013-01-31T11:14:34","slug":"jack-of-spades-reversed","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/2012\/01\/31\/jack-of-spades-reversed\/","title":{"rendered":"Jack of Spades, reversed"},"content":{"rendered":"<h3 style=\"text-align: center;\">by Cat Hellisen<br \/>\n<img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-945\" title=\"TitleUnderline\" src=\"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/06\/TitleUnderline.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"13\" srcset=\"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/06\/TitleUnderline.jpg 350w, https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/06\/TitleUnderline-300x11.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 350px) 100vw, 350px\" \/><\/h3>\n<table border=\"0\" cellspacing=\"5\" cellpadding=\"5\" width=\"85%\">\n<tbody>\n<tr>\n<td width=\"50%\" align=\"left\" valign=\"top\"><\/td>\n<td style=\"text-align: right;\" width=\"50%\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright size-full wp-image-1814\" title=\"JackImage\" src=\"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/01\/JackImage.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"325\" height=\"180\" srcset=\"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/01\/JackImage.jpg 325w, https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/01\/JackImage-300x166.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 325px) 100vw, 325px\" \/>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><a title=\"Something Wicked #17 (January 2012)\" href=\"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazines\/something-wicked-17-january-2012\/\"><\/a><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n<p><!--more--><\/p>\n<p>We must be close to New Londinium by now. The jungle is  thinning and this little clearing is as good a place as any to stop and rest.  My current employer sits hunched on a fallen log thick with fungi and  bottle-green creeping vines. She holds her hands against her face, palms over  her eyes. Her hair has turned black as feathers.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou all right, there?\u201d I say to Louise. There&#8217;s a  ghost ache between my shoulder blades, like I can feel what she&#8217;s feeling.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShut up, Attery,\u201d she says through her fingers.<\/p>\n<p>The change hurts, I remember that much and there&#8217;s naught I  can say that will fix her. I settle down to keep watch \u2013 there&#8217;s clans out as  well as the scientist-things. Chankly Bore isn&#8217;t quiet, but I know all the  noises it makes. The peeping tree frogs and night birds and hooting monkeys are  enough to make my eyelids heavy. Leastwise there&#8217;s no breaking branches, and no  growling of army machines.<\/p>\n<p>Louise is probably crying now &#8211; the way her shoulders are  shaking &#8211; but she&#8217;s one of them that keeps her sobs silent. When I met her,  back when she was going mental about breathing in spore, she still had a face  on her like a stone pony. Course, she was also mostly human. Thought she was  above me.<\/p>\n<p>I shrug off my jacket and straighten my wings. They&#8217;re  ragged as fuck, and they leave shiny gas-blue scales all over my fingers. Soon  they&#8217;ll be past healing. I flap them slow-like, and wait for the blood to pump  through. Even though I know it&#8217;s a dumb-fuck thing to do, I look over my  shoulder at what&#8217;s left of my wings. They&#8217;re not looking too sweet. Shit. I  flap harder.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cStop doing that,\u201d Louise says, her hands still over her  face. \u201cI can hear you from here.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou can&#8217;t hear shit,\u201d I say, but then again it might be  truths, could be already that her hearing&#8217;s getting all sharp. I don&#8217;t know how  her change is going to go. I should try be kinder, like keeping a death watch  over a sick dog. \u201cYou feel lighter yet?\u201d If her change goes anything like mine,  her bones will turn hollow and light, easy to break. Good for flying though.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShut up,\u201d she says. \u201cI am not turning into some revolting  bug.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Butterfly, I think to say, but she knows that already. She  thinks she&#8217;s better&#8217;n me because she comes from the Smoke and she has a ma and  da and two brothers. Or had. They&#8217;re all gone now. Eaten up by the war and the  Chankly Bore jungle and the spore.<\/p>\n<p>She&#8217;s a strange one though, even before she lost her  gasmask. Wearing boy&#8217;s clothing and dressed all in grey. I&#8217;ve never seen girls  who weren&#8217;t all in frocks and spangles and trying to look made-up as the Queen  Vickys.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDo you think they&#8217;ll catch us?\u201d Louise says after a while.<\/p>\n<p>I shrug, even though she still has her back turned to me.  \u201cMay be.\u201d I don&#8217;t bother telling her there&#8217;s worse than scientist-things all  rigged up in sporesuits and carrying stun guns.<\/p>\n<p>My old mates will be wandering about, looking for humans  who&#8217;re too far gone and putting them out of their misery &#8211; and getting fresh  meat in the bargain. If ever there&#8217;s a good enough reason to not sit too long \u2013  it&#8217;s that. I don\u2019t fancy being no-one&#8217;s supper. \u201cYou ready to go on?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes.\u201d Louise tries to stand like it&#8217;s nothing, but her  back is all hunched and it&#8217;s easy to see the way the bones are shifting. Even  her face looks stretched and sharp. She takes her hands away from her eyes, and  there&#8217;s no hiding it now. They&#8217;re black and oily and shiny. Crow eyes.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAttery?\u201d My name is all awkward in her mouth, and she  spits out teeth.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYeah?\u201d I&#8217;ll wait to gather the little white pegs after  she&#8217;s turned around. The ivory makes good buttons.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWe&#8217;re going to die, aren&#8217;t we?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Curse the Queens who go and put me in this position. I&#8217;ve  never been one to like making a girl cry. \u201cDo I look like a deck of cards?\u201d I  say. \u201cI don&#8217;t know your future, or even mine. I do know enough that sitting  around here isn&#8217;t going to do us any good.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>A scream sounds out in the jungle, somewhere behind us.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat&#8217;s them,\u201d she says. \u201cI know it is.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSo let&#8217;s move, lover.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Louise is trying to get back to New Londinium, even though  it&#8217;s been bombed to fuck and back again. I must have been stupider than usual  when I went and agreed to guide her through the jungle. Offered me a  hard-boiled egg and a deck of fortune cards as payment \u2013 and well, it&#8217;s been  long enough since I et an egg, and the cards will be worth something. Still  makes me an idiot.<\/p>\n<p>I was hoping to keep her change slow, keep her sane. It  always works faster out in the wilds so I got us on one of the trains that  still run. It would have taken us sweet straight to the Smoke, and no side  trips into Chankly Bore. We lasted all of two stops before some fucker called  us in.<\/p>\n<p>Even wearing long coats and low hats, we must have been not  human enough. We had to scarper and now we&#8217;re miles and miles from Babylon and  there&#8217;re catchers after us. We&#8217;re hot property. In this war, anyone who starts  to change catches the attention of the scientist-things.<\/p>\n<p>See, once you breathe in the spore from the old beasts &#8211;  you got two choices, only there&#8217;s no choice at all and the one&#8217;s as bad as the  other.<\/p>\n<p>Some people go mad;  madder than, mad as, and totally fucking insane. They&#8217;re the ones who have to  be tied up all day and kept knocked out in case they start trying to eat  themselves alive.<\/p>\n<p>And then there&#8217;s us. The people who start to go different,  who go past madness and come out the other side, all touched by the beasts in  the Space Between, and never, never the same.<\/p>\n<p>We&#8217;re special, at least that&#8217;s what the army says. We can  go back into the Space Between, and we won&#8217;t get any madder. That&#8217;s why the  catchers want us. They want us to fly their machines back into the dark and the  madness and fight the old beasts. Like that will make any difference.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow many miles do you think we still have to go?\u201d Louise&#8217;s  voice has gone flat, unhuman.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo idea.\u201d Chankly Bore is growing faster than dutchman&#8217;s pipe, spreading out  from the centre blast zone and swallowing all the cities and villages and  farms. For all I know the jungle has already reached the Smoke, and et her up  just the same. We could be walking through what&#8217;s left of the city.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cFat lot of good you are,\u201d she says. \u201cI don&#8217;t know why I  hired you-\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Yellow light blasts out of the greeny dark, and it cuts  right across our faces and blinds me stupid.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cStop where you are,\u201d says a man&#8217;s voice, made bigger and  machine-like. \u201cWe&#8217;ve got you surrounded.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And just how did they manage to sneak up on me on my own  turf, the bastards? They had to be using shields. Hardly fair to the likes of  us when the scientist-things go and use magic too. I put my hands up all  slow-like. It&#8217;s too late to see if my fucked-up wings will manage a flight now.  They&#8217;ll shoot me down. They don&#8217;t need me to be able to walk or fly; all I need  to be able to do is keep my finger on a trigger.<\/p>\n<p>Men walk out of the shadows of vines and trunks, and only  now can I hear their weird breathing and the crackle of the black plastic  suits. Definitely had one of the court mages shielding them, then.<\/p>\n<p>He&#8217;s standing back from them, wearing leather gauntlets and  a mud-slick coat. He&#8217;s holding out a piece of vellum. The edges are charring  under all the stress he&#8217;s put it through. The vellum catches fire and he drops  it to the ground, where it curls and smokes. The last of the spell ends, and  all around us is a crowd of helmeted men with their beeping wands and other  mechanical shit.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cKeep your hands up,\u201d says the nearest one and next to me  Louise lifts her hands higher and higher and her bones crack in her back as her  new wings push out of her skin.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAttery,\u201d she says in a fast little whisper through what&#8217;s  left of her teeth. Her face is looking beakish, and her eyes are black. \u201cWhat  are they going to do to us?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhatever they want.\u201d We&#8217;re caught up in their stupid war  against the great old beasts that come roaring thought the Space Between,  whether we like it or not. I hold my head up high and get a good look at the  mage what sold us out. Never trust a Queen&#8217;s Jack, for sure.<\/p>\n<p>He takes another piece of vellum from his leather shoulder  bag, and folds it neat as can be, his eyes glazed away behind the plastic face  mask. The vellumancy takes hold, and Louise and me are tied up magic-tighter  than those poor mad buggers in Bedlam City. We can&#8217;t even move a finger or a  hair. The scientist-things load us into packing cases, and everything goes  dark.<\/p>\n<p>When the jolting stops I know that we&#8217;re finally off the  dirt jungle path and onto one of the old roads. They&#8217;ve packed me in right  careful, my wings wrapped, loads of padding all about to cushion me, so it  hasn&#8217;t been all bad. Guess they&#8217;ve done much the same with Louise, and since  there&#8217;s naught to do but lie here and ponder how everything managed to go so  wrong, I decide to sleep instead. I&#8217;ve never been one for trying to scrape  spilled water back into a jug.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-605\" title=\"divider\" src=\"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/05\/divider.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"136\" height=\"20\" \/><\/p>\n<p>The mage opens our crates and drops the spell off us. We&#8217;re  in a clean white room, empty and sterile. He&#8217;s the only one there, which is  surprising enough.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon&#8217;t do anything really fecking stupid.\u201d He sounds like  he hasn&#8217;t slept in days. Looks it too, now that the mask is gone and I can see  his face, as naked and honest as a mage&#8217;s can get. \u201cI asked them if I could  speak to you alone first, and it took every threat and promise I could think of  to get them to agree.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I push myself out of the crate, little spongey  packer-things dropping off me like the strangest snow in the world. \u201cSeemed to  work.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He shakes his head and makes a sound almost like a laugh.  \u201cNot really. Had to go and beg a favour off Vicky.\u201d He stares at me, and for  all that he looks tired and drained and older than he should, his eyes are  right sharp. \u201cKnow what that means?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou got yourself a Queen&#8217;s debt to pay off.\u201d He&#8217;s a  Queen&#8217;s Jack, with no more right to his name than a dog.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cToo true.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It means: this is important. That getting us alone is  bigger even than this mage&#8217;s ego and life, because he&#8217;s sold himself to the  Queen. I don&#8217;t like that none. Don&#8217;t like the implications, if you get my meaning.  I turn away from the mage and help Louise out of her crate. Gives me an excuse  to get a good look at just how far she&#8217;s gone. Her face isn&#8217;t even a little  human anymore. She&#8217;s a starling-headed girl with useless baby-bird wings, all  bare and goosey, with just the stubs of feathers ready to grow. Her white shirt  is bunched up by the new wings, and the skin I can see on her stomach and chest  is still girl-soft. That&#8217;s how the change is \u2013 you stay mostly human, just not  human enough.<\/p>\n<p>Louise tilts her head. \u201cBad?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou&#8217;ll look better once the feathers grow in.\u201d And she&#8217;s  luckier than me, though it&#8217;s not something I&#8217;ve told her. She&#8217;ll work it out  for herself, soon enough. Birds live longer than bugs, after all. \u201cMore  important,\u201d I say, \u201cThis here Queen&#8217;s Jack wants to have a little chat with us,  all private like, before we&#8217;re sent into the Space Between to go blow old  beasts out of the darkness.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The Queen&#8217;s Jack curls his hands up tight when I say this.  He&#8217;s still wearing those thick leather gauntlets. Maybe he&#8217;s also less than  human. \u201cNot blow them up,\u201d he says. \u201cThough that is what you&#8217;re meant to be  doing. That&#8217;s what the army will think you&#8217;re doing.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Mages. Never can give you a straight bloody answer.  Carefully, I straighten Louise&#8217;s feathers, since she&#8217;s too thick to do them  herself. \u201cYou&#8217;ll need a proper shirt,\u201d I say to her. One that can take wings.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWe&#8217;ll provide all that,\u201d says the mage. \u201cYou need to take  them a message.\u201d He says it fast and soft, like he&#8217;s worried that somehow,  someone will be breaking the Queen&#8217;s trust and recording all this.<\/p>\n<p>Louise caws, and it takes me a second and a half to work  out she&#8217;s laughing. \u201cA message &#8211; to the old beasts? How? Are you insane?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And truth be told, I&#8217;m wondering if he&#8217;s been at the spore  himself. The old beasts are nightmare things, madness-bringers, bigger than  cities, some of them. We&#8217;re not exactly talking the same language, if you get  me.<\/p>\n<p>The mage actually grins at that, like he&#8217;s got an  old-fashion trick up his sleeve. \u201cMagic,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon&#8217;t piss about.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI&#8217;m going to put the message in your heads,\u201d he says, and  I don&#8217;t like the sound of that any more than you think \u2013 it&#8217;s bad enough to be  turned half-way into a giant butterfly and press-ganged into a war I couldn&#8217;t  give two shits about. I don&#8217;t need a mage scrabbling about in my brainpan on  top of that.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou fucking won&#8217;t,\u201d I say.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt&#8217;s really not as bad as you think. Once it&#8217;s in, you  won&#8217;t even know its there. It&#8217;ll only activate when you&#8217;re in close proximity  to one of the Nar.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMeans it&#8217;ll work when we get close to the old beasts,\u201d  says Louise, and I&#8217;d be happy to thump her for that. Just how stupid does she  think I am?<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd what do we get out of this?\u201d Because sure as shit he&#8217;s  going to do this whether we say yay or nay, but I&#8217;d like to know there&#8217;s at  least something half-way shiny in this for me.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIf I&#8217;m right,\u201d he says. \u201cYou&#8217;ll get to live.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Well, there you go then. It&#8217;s shiny enough.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-605\" title=\"divider\" src=\"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/05\/divider.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"136\" height=\"20\" \/><\/p>\n<p>Ten days later my pea coat is probably in a rubbish heap  somewhere, along with the rest of my mouldy old crap. The scientist-things have  us kitted out in hightech. The suits are smooth as an inner tyre and  body-tight, and the wing slits easy to use.<\/p>\n<p>They&#8217;ve fed us well, and even my broken wings have been  repaired with biostruts. I&#8217;m tired though. I can&#8217;t sleep right. My head is full  of things that shouldn&#8217;t be there, and no matter what that damn mage said, my  dreams are all the wrong shape and colour.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOdd.\u201d Louise plucks at her hightech leg covers.\u00a0 The rubber twangs back against her thigh,  and she looks up at me. The feathers have all grown in proper now, and her  wings are sleek as her suit. Her buttonglass eyes don&#8217;t give anything away, but  she seems calm enough.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt&#8217;s just going to get weirder.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Louise clacks her beak.<\/p>\n<p>There are boots in the passages. They&#8217;re coming now. We&#8217;re  going to be strapped down in the ship they&#8217;ve made to travel into the Space  Between.<\/p>\n<p>The door opens and the scientist-things walk in. The  Queen&#8217;s Jack is with them, but he don&#8217;t bother looking at us. His leather hands  are full of vellum. We follow them out, quiet as lambs, to the Nar-space  transporter.<\/p>\n<p>The room is small \u2013 just big enough to hold a small  gunship. They only have the one. Its hatch is open, and it looks like a trapjaw  insect, black and spiky and glitter-threatening.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou first,\u201d says a scientist-thing, and points at Louise.  He hasn&#8217;t bothered to learn our names. Can&#8217;t right blame him.<\/p>\n<p>Louise gives me a backward look. \u201cThanks,\u201d she says. \u201cFor  trying.\u201d Her voice is flat, and maybe that&#8217;s the crow talking, or maybe she  just don&#8217;t care anymore.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYeah,\u201d I say, because really, what else is there? We&#8217;re  fodder now. And this message isn&#8217;t going to save us or no one else. Maybe I&#8217;ll  believe the mage knows what he&#8217;s doing if Louise comes back hale and all  together. Maybe.<\/p>\n<p>Once she&#8217;s seated, the scientist-things swarm around her,  checking this and that and tightening her in place, and giving her last-minute  warnings and all that shit. Louise don&#8217;t nod or nothing, but I see her look  once at the mage, and click her beak like she&#8217;s nervous.<\/p>\n<p>Then the hatch is closed, and everyone swarms out of the  room, &#8217;til it&#8217;s just the gunship and the mage standing outside it. He&#8217;s laying  out his vellum in a fanned-out circle, and his mouth is moving, though I can&#8217;t  hear nothing from behind the big glass windows. He&#8217;s careful to keep outside  his circle, but there&#8217;s still a chance the gate he opens could suck him through  and then he&#8217;s dead as dead.<\/p>\n<p>He steps back, and the vellum flares. The pages stay  burning, unnatural-like, and we watch and wait. I can still just make out the  gunship thought the fire, all hazy, like a mirage.<\/p>\n<p>When the flares finally die, the gunship snaps back into  focus. It&#8217;s scratched and battered, smoking. The hatch opens, and inside is  empty.<\/p>\n<p>The mage don&#8217;t look at me, just sets to laying out a new  pattern with his damned papers.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNext,\u201d says the same scientist-thing who sent Louise to  her death. I feel like I just doused my head in a pail of ice water. I do what  he says \u2013 it&#8217;s this, or nothing. They lead me in to the machine, strap me  tight. The message the mage imprinted into my head is blaring peace peace  peace, but I&#8217;m thinking hard over it, trying to drown it out. There&#8217;s no peace  for us. Not as long at the Nar are out there.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOnce you&#8217;re across, we&#8217;ll lose all comms, so you need to  know exactly what you&#8217;re doing,\u201d the scientist-thing says. It&#8217;s not like he has  to tell me this, Louise and me spent the last ten days simming. I could fly  this fucker in my sleep. The hatch closes, and the dark glass makes it look  like I&#8217;m at the bottom of a lake. Drowning. I thumb the gun control  gentle-like, wondering how they expect me to kill one of the old beasts.<\/p>\n<p>The mage don&#8217;t expect it at all. He said,<em> just drift in, just get close. You won&#8217;t register as  a threat if you don&#8217;t start shooting.<\/em> That&#8217;s how small we are.<\/p>\n<p>Insignificant, Louise said, and that&#8217;s a good word. A right  and true one. Did Louise get in close \u2013 or was she blasted from life even  though she was insignificant?<\/p>\n<p>Guess I&#8217;ll find out soon enough.<\/p>\n<p>The room is empty now, just that mage looking at me through  the dark glass, his face all twisted-like. He nods once, and then he&#8217;s gone,  hidden behind a wall of fire.<\/p>\n<p>Everything disappears.<\/p>\n<p>I&#8217;m drifting through the Space Between \u2013 Nar-space, the  scientist-things call it. It&#8217;s not really darkness, it&#8217;s more like angles and  planes that don&#8217;t sit right in your brain, and colours that don&#8217;t make sense,  and everything warps all wrong, and so it&#8217;s easier to see nothing. Nar-space  feels like the jelly inside an eyeball, like drowning in diesel and rainbows.<\/p>\n<p>I shut down the engines, take my thumb off the firing  button. The little gunship spins about, leaf-lazy. I don&#8217;t even right know if  there are any old beasts out in this part of madness. I could just be flying  around forever, until I come back all mummified.<\/p>\n<p>The gunship hits something, and bounces off. I spin upside  down, and thank Vicky and all her minions I&#8217;m strapped in tighter than a moth  in a spider&#8217;s web.<\/p>\n<p>A silver light, thin as a fishing line, cuts through the  dark. It comes to me and wraps around the nose of my gunship. I&#8217;m frozen. Damn  the mage and all his stupid ideas, I should just start shooting and try take at  least one with me when I go. My thumb squeezes down, just the smallest bit. The  peace peace peace is bugling inside my head and I squeeze harder but my body  don&#8217;t listen.<\/p>\n<p>Fine, I think, and take my hand off the trigger. If I&#8217;m  going to go to my death, it may as well be a choice I make, and not one some  fucker in a court or a laboratory made for me. I unclip all the buckles, and  let myself go.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cCome on, then,\u201d I yell to the madness. \u201cShe&#8217;s dead. I&#8217;m as  good as. Come on and do it clean, cleaner than those bastards back in the real  world.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I&#8217;m tired of scientist-things and mages using me for their  god-damned war and not even having the decency to ask me my bloody name first.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI&#8217;m Attery St John, you fuckers.\u201d I bow to the shapes in  the darkness. \u201cA pleasure to make your acquaintance.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>More silver lines come for me, wrapping my gunship up like  a silkworm.<\/p>\n<p>A panel of dark glass cracks, and one of the fishing line  things is inside, nosing about, blind as can be. I can&#8217;t close my eyes. Not  since I changed, and all I can do is float here, and let the old beast eat me.<\/p>\n<p>It prods at my face, and the touch of it is a trigger. The  thing the mage stuck in my head breaks open and the hatch fills with magic. The  tendril pulls back, puffing a cloud of spore. The spore and magic meet, and I  can feel them both tearing through my brain, mixing up.<\/p>\n<p>They&#8217;re talking.<\/p>\n<p>They&#8217;re honest to Queens fucking talking.<\/p>\n<p>They talk for longer than years, and just seconds, and then  the tendrils turn to me and hold my face, gentle. They&#8217;re tapping at me, all  playful, and the air is full of spore and I&#8217;m choking on it but it&#8217;s sweet and  good and I can see the past and present and future and everything.<\/p>\n<p>~stay?~ they say inside my head. ~pretty here. safe~<\/p>\n<p>And I think, well, why the fuck not. And the hatch opens  and I&#8217;m in the Space Between, but I&#8217;m all right-like, and the silver fishing  lines have me, and then I&#8217;m inside-<\/p>\n<p>Oh, inside the old beasts and there is Louise, bright and  shiny black, her beak open in a bird smile.<\/p>\n<p>She&#8217;s real as real,  and I wasn&#8217;t expecting the feeling that runs through me now, a human thing &#8211;  relief. All around us, the Nar touch and talk, explain the world in new  dimensions, taking away our deaths and giving us a new kind of sanity, one that  even Queen Vicky with her court mages wouldn&#8217;t understand.<\/p>\n<p>I drift up to Louise, my wings spreading, growing bigger  and bluer and that&#8217;s okay because right here right now, that&#8217;s as it should be.<\/p>\n<p>There&#8217;s nothing strange about being a boy who is also a  butterfly, or being a starling who is also a girl.<\/p>\n<p>~yes~ say the old beasts in the tones of parents who have  been trying to explain simple things to small children.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI could have pressed the trigger,\u201d I say to Louise.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe didn&#8217;t think you would.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Never trust a mage. Not even the ones on your side. I  smile. I wonder if the scientist-things know what it was he did right under  their noses. If the Queen knows what her debt really bought her. How many more  of the changelings will he send through before Queen Vicky cottons on and hangs  him as a traitor, I wonder.<\/p>\n<p>It doesn&#8217;t matter.<\/p>\n<p>There are others already here. We were not the first.<\/p>\n<p>We won&#8217;t be the last.<\/p>\n<p>We are in the beasts now, and we are them and they are us  and one day there will be a new world, and we will go back, and New Londinium  will be the jungles and the Space Between and Bedlam and Babylon and we will  all have changed.<\/p>\n<p>And perhaps, like  gods, we will raise the dead.<\/p>\n<h5 style=\"text-align: center;\">Copyright \u00a9 2012 by Cat Hellisen<br \/>\n<img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-966\" title=\"blackline\" src=\"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/07\/blackline1-300x7.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"7\" srcset=\"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/07\/blackline1-300x7.jpg 300w, https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/07\/blackline1.jpg 325w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/h5>\n<table border=\"0\" cellspacing=\"10\" cellpadding=\"0\" align=\"center\">\n<tbody>\n<tr>\n<td style=\"text-align: center;\" align=\"center\" valign=\"top\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.somethingwicked.co.za\/products-page\/downloads\/something-wicked-17-january2012\/\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-953 alignleft\" title=\"PurchaseButton\" src=\"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/07\/PurchaseButton.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"180\" height=\"24\" \/><\/a><\/td>\n<td align=\"center\" valign=\"top\"><a href=\"http:\/\/weightlessbooks.com\/format\/magazine\/something-wicked-magazine-12-month-subscription\/\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-954 alignleft\" title=\"SubsBuyButton\" src=\"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/07\/SubsBuyButton.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"180\" height=\"24\" \/><\/a><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n<p>[hana-code-insert name=&#8217;ArticleBlockOpen&#8217; \/]<\/p>\n<h2 class=\"art-postheader\" style=\"text-align: left;\">Cat Hellisen<\/h2>\n<p><em><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright size-thumbnail wp-image-1813\" title=\"Cat\" src=\"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/01\/Cat-150x150.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"150\" height=\"150\" \/><\/em><br \/>\n<em>Cat Hellisen<\/em> lives by the sea and writes about people. She  accepts gifts of alcohol and truffles.<\/p>\n<p>[hana-code-insert name=&#8217;ArticleBlockClose&#8217; \/]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<h3 style=\"text-align: center;\">by Cat Hellisen<br \/>\n<img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-945\" title=\"TitleUnderline\" src=\"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/06\/TitleUnderline.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"13\" srcset=\"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/06\/TitleUnderline.jpg 350w, https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/06\/TitleUnderline-300x11.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 350px) 100vw, 350px\" \/><\/h3>\n<table border=\"0\" cellspacing=\"5\" cellpadding=\"5\" width=\"85%\">\n<tbody>\n<tr>\n<td width=\"75%\" valign=\"top\">\n<p>We must be close to New Londinium by now. The jungle is thinning and this little clearing is as good a place as any to stop and rest. My current employer sits hunched on a fallen log thick with fungi and bottle-green creeping vines. She holds her hands against her face, palms over her eyes. Her hair has turned black as feathers.<\/p>\n<\/td>\n<td style=\"text-align: center;\" align=\"center\" valign=\"top\"><a href=\"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/12\/CoverIssue17Kindle.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright size-medium wp-image-1732\" title=\"CoverIssue17Kindle\" src=\"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/12\/CoverIssue17Kindle-225x300.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"225\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/12\/CoverIssue17Kindle-225x300.jpg 225w, https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/12\/CoverIssue17Kindle.jpg 600w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 225px) 100vw, 225px\" \/><\/a><br \/>\n<a title=\"Something Wicked #17 (January 2012)\" href=\"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazines\/something-wicked-17-january-2012\/\"><span style=\"text-align: left;\">From Issue 17 (Jan 2012)<\/span><\/a><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td width=\"75%\" valign=\"top\"><\/td>\n<td style=\"text-align: center;\" align=\"center\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.somethingwicked.co.za\/products-page\/downloads\/something-wicked-17-january2012\/\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-953\" title=\"PurchaseButton\" src=\"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/07\/PurchaseButton.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"180\" height=\"24\" \/><\/a><a href=\"http:\/\/weightlessbooks.com\/format\/magazine\/something-wicked-magazine-12-month-subscription\/\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-954\" title=\"SubsBuyButton\" src=\"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/07\/SubsBuyButton.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"180\" height=\"24\" \/><\/a><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[157,179,226,152,177],"class_list":["post-1812","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fiction","tag-cat-hellisen","tag-dark-fantasy","tag-fiction","tag-issue-17","tag-sf"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1812","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1812"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1812\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2313,"href":"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1812\/revisions\/2313"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1812"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1812"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/somethingwicked.co.za\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1812"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}